Parents feeling down after their young-adult children have gone off to varsity might wonder in the event that they are out of step after they see online videos depicting newly minted empty nesters dancing and celebrating their child-free lives. But the reality is that the primary few weeks and months after children leave the home may be upsetting for a lot of parents, said Dr. David Nathan, licensed psychologist and eastern region lead for Allina Health.

Nathan, who practices out of Allina’s Highland Park clinic in St. Paul, says that the departure of a young-adult child is commonly a major trauma for fogeys, a lot of whom never expected the transition could be that onerous.   

“Identical to when a loved one dies or when someone breaks up with us, having our kids leave house is a really big deal to the human mind,” Nathan said. “Someone who may be very near us, who’s an important a part of our life, isn’t any longer there. It is difficult — and it’s necessary to acknowledge the emotions that transition raises in our bodies and minds.” 

Nathan treats people of all ages and genders, though he said that about 70 to 80% of his patient population is male. He’s found that men experience empty-nest syndrome as often as women, but are less more likely to recognize its symptoms in themselves or acknowledge them in other males. 

“I believe our society doesn’t do a very good job of telling guys it’s OK to discuss these transitions or how they make them feel,”  he said. “Too often, a variety of guys, especially older guys, are reluctant to discuss it openly or admit their feelings.” Actually, Nathan said, most of the men he treats for empty-nest syndrome are available in at another person’s urging: “Often a man gets referred to me because his wife, girlfriend or boss says, ‘You might want to confer with any individual.’”

Recently, Nathan and I discussed the mental health toll of the empty-nest experience and ways he helps his patients adjust to this recent stage of life. This interview has been edited for length and clarity. 

MinnPost: When did you start talking to patients who were struggling after their children left the nest? 

David Nathan: I began talking to people about empty-nest syndrome relatively early on in my profession. It truly is a core difficulty, a standard struggle for a lot of parents. If people have children they’re probably going to experience this sense. In some cases, kids do proceed to live with their parents as they grow old. But more often than not children move away. Often, but not all the time, this can be a very difficult transition. It is commonly tougher for the parent than it’s for the child. 

MP: How would you define empty-nest syndrome? 

DN: There will not be a DSM diagnosis for empty-nest syndrome. As an alternative, someone is perhaps diagnosed with anxiety or depression or adjustment disorder. The underlying issue that kicks these symptoms off is the proven fact that a toddler isn’t any longer in the house. 

Often, empty-nest syndrome is defined by a way of loss. Most of us like things in our lives to be predictable and familiar, especially in terms of our relationship with our kids. By the point an adolescent is of their late teens and early 20s, they’re ready to start out their very own life. They’re raring to go. They feel held back by their parents. This is difficult for a lot of parents. It’s like breaking up with someone, like ending a relationship.

MP: What type of symptoms do your patients experience when their children leave home? 

DN: One in every of the ways I have a look at mental health is when something crummy happens to us there are several ways for the mind to reply. A technique is internalizing symptoms like anxiety or depression, keeping things inside our mind and having obsessions about certain topics. A second way is externalized symptoms. These are symptoms where someone shows their feelings not directly but in a more outward manner. They is perhaps irritable, slam objects or break things. They may even get into fights. The third way is somatic symptoms, or experiencing loss in your body like bad headaches, stomachaches or rashes. 

MP: How do you help patients make the connections between these symptoms and the massive life changes they’re experiencing? 

DN: If someone involves see me they usually say they’re feeling down or antsy or are having difficulties with anger, as a psychologist, I ponder what’s the core issue that’s contributing to them feeling that way? If I learn that they’ve recently had a toddler leave the house, I may also help them understand that that is a distinct type of loss, and despite what they’ve heard from others or think for themselves, that loss may be significant. 

Often, people don’t connect their empty nest with their symptoms. It is dependent upon people’s understanding of how they respond to emphasize and alter. With a variety of people I can point things out to them and say, “It is basically difficult when your child leaves. You miss your kids. Our youngsters are speculated to leave, nevertheless it still is smart that you simply are sad.” Besides simply missing having their child in the home, parents may also just worry about their kid, like, “Are they going to be OK without us nearby? What if something happens to them?” 

I explain that it’s OK to have those sorts of emotions. It’s healthy for us to concentrate on all of those feelings we’re having after which take into consideration ways to deal with them. 

MP: In comparison with once I was in college, parents at the moment are so way more connected to their kids. They’ll text and FaceTime daily in the event that they wish to. Does that connectedness help with empty-nest syndrome? 

DN: I believe one in all the cool things about living in 2023 is we’ve got all this incredible technology. We are able to FaceTime with people. We are able to video chat with people on the pc, nevertheless it is basically not the identical. Even if you happen to talk for a half an hour online daily it’s not the identical as seeing them at breakfast or spending time with them on the weekend.

MP: Do pop culture-fed assumptions concerning the “liberation” of the empty nest make people who find themselves actually feeling sad about this transition feel ashamed of their emotions? 

DN: It might take a while for us to provide you with recent patterns and develop a way of coping with loss and adjusting to alter that’s happening. That’s normal. In case you feel sad and unmoored after your child leaves the house, it’s not like you’ve got done something mistaken or you might be weak. It’s typical. It’s the natural response. 

First, I need to make sure that that individuals understand that it’s OK and normal and appropriate to be sad, to acknowledge that this thing happened and you’re feeling sad about it. Recognizing the source of what’s making us feel something is essential. 

MP: How do you suggest parents deal with these upsetting feelings? 

DN: Everyone seems to be a bit bit different. It is perhaps they’ve the type of relationship with their kid where they will schedule a daily call to examine in. But you must ask your child ahead of time whether it is OK to do this. 

I also think it can be crucial for people to make time to do things for themselves that can help them within the healing process. Be patient with yourself. Take into consideration this experience such as you were in a automobile accident: You’d be sore for some time and it could take time to get well. Your insides and your outsides each may be injured. In case your body was really jostled in an accident, it’s going to take some time for all the things to heal. Same in your mental health. 

MP: Do you ever confer with individuals who worry that their experience isn’t as amazing because the empty-nest experiences they see on Instagram or TikTok? 

DN: I hear that each one the time. I believe social media is so unhelpful. It’s all about getting clicks, not about reality. It might actually make people feel more isolated and depressed. All of that stuff is about being profitable or getting attention. It will not be about being accurate or true and even helpful.

In case you are feeling bad or crummy about what’s happening in your life, don’t go on Instagram. It will not be an accurate depiction of the standard person’s life. It is totally normal to have mixed feelings about your child leaving the home. Being an empty nester will not be this mega-happy, blissful Disney version of “The Little Mermaid.” That’s really removed from reality, which may sometimes feel more just like the Hans Christian Andersen version. 

Recognize that children leaving is a really big transition. I’ve brought up the metaphor of when someone dies or someone breaks up with you. Our youngsters leaving is just as big. 

MP: Do you’ve got personal experience with empty-nest syndrome? 

DN: I actually have kids, but they aren’t sufficiently old to go away yet. Having kids was a really, very, very big deal. It probably will not be fair to say that having a toddler leave for school is as big a deal as when child is born, nevertheless it continues to be a really big deal and we want to acknowledge that. 

MP: What about individuals who don’t feel that sad when their kid leaves? Has anyone ever told you they feel guilty, like they ought to be more mournful concerning the situation?

DN:  Sometimes people feel that way they usually tell me they thought they need to feel bad concerning the transition they usually didn’t. I just say that there is no such thing as a right solution to feel about something. You only must concentrate to those feelings and honor them. Our emotions are just like the dashboard of our automobile: They tell us tell us when something is occurring in our body that we must always pay attention to before all the things breaks down. 

I believe that within the U.S., a variety of guys, a variety of people normally, work so hard that even after we are really overwhelmed we don’t concentrate to our emotions as much as we must always to support our overall health. I ask people, “What are your emotions? What do you’re feeling? In case you are feeling crummy, what are some things that may enable you to feel less crummy?”

We are able to all the time can cover up our dashboard and keep driving. But we won’t know when we want to place gas within the automobile or after we are going too fast or when the check engine light comes on. Eventually we’ve got to take a look at the dashboard. We’d like to examine in every so often with our feelings and see if we want help.